Not funny

My husband is really funny. Unfortunately, he's funny in a "we're laughing at you" way, not a "we're laughing with you" way. Let me explain: He's German. As such, he has no sense of humor. Oh, he tries. He tries to be a real smart ass. But being a smart ass is a craft that takes decades to hone. It's not for everybody. Yes, this is America, and, yes, just because you can buy automatic weapons at WalMart, doesn't mean you should. And just because America is very appreciative of smart asses, it doesn't mean you should be one yourself. In the wrong hands and at the wrong times, it is a very dangerous thing. I think in the interest of everybody, we should post signs in the airports: "Welcome to America. No socks with sandals. No eating with your fork upside down. No skimpy Speedos at the beach. No sarcasm. No, not you."

For example, I'm chatting online with my sewing girls and my husband feels a little neglected, so he says, "I think I'll get a dog. ANNA! Oh, Anna! We're getting a dog!" Now, what on Earth prompted him to add the "ANNA! Oh, Anna! We're getting a dog!"? Of course she runs over, her eyes big as saucers, "A puppy? We're getting a puppy?" "Sure. What kind of puppy should we get?" he answers. They spend the next half hour on the Internet puppy shopping. And then, you can almost hear the angels singing and clouds opening as Anna comes across a husky puppy with blue eyes. It is, without a doubt, the cutest creature on the planet.

"What are you going to do now?" I ask the man.

"What do you mean?"

"About the dog."

"What do you mean?"

"About Anna and the dog."

"What do you mean?"

"What are you going to do about Anna and her expectation of getting a dog?"

"What do you mean?"

"Anna is expecting to get a dog."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Anna is expecting to get a dog."

"Why that?"

"Because you said, 'Anna, oh Anna, we are getting a dog,' and then you picked out dogs with Anna on the Internet."

"Why would she think that?"

"What part of 'Anna, oh, Anna, we are getting a dog' do you think she didn't understand correctly? What part of going all over the Internet looking at puppy pictures do you think did not plant that seed firmly in her mind?"

"Anna doesn't think we are getting a dog."

"Yes, she does."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Anna thinks you are going to get her a dog."

"Why that?"

"Listen." (In the background, lots of happy squealy little girl sounds, including "We're getting a puppy! We're getting a puppy! He has blue eyes! We're getting a puppy with blue eyes!")

"She doesn't think we are getting a dog. She knows I was joking."

"She's five."

"What do you mean?"

"She's five. She doesn't think you're joking."

"Why that?"

"She's five and she doesn't get you. Few people get you and no one under 30 gets you."

"Why that?"

"You're not funny. You get taken at your word."

"We're not getting a dog."

"No, we're not getting a dog. I know a lady with a dehydrated cat and that has cost her $1000 so far. $1000 so far for a dry cat and it will cost much more to figure out why the cat is drying out. We are not getting a dog. What are you going to tell Anna?"

"Does Anna think we are getting a cat? I thought you said dog."

"I mean, dogs, cats, whatever kind of pet--that's a time and financial commitment, not to mention the whole fecal matter logistics bit. Just what are you going to say to the jumping, squealing child to explain that you never had any intention of getting a dog."

"I'll tell her you won't let her have a dog."

"You're not funny."