Cable guy

Anybody ever struggle through a simple computer class? I remember GOTO a lot. I think that's all I remember, in fact. You'd use GOTO to skip over the other stuff and jump to another line of code. I think. It's probably not even used anymore. What do I know? Anyway, it can create some really screwy code.

Since I usually jump from one topic, idea and/or task to another and another and another and then another, I think I am programmed with a lot of GOTO. (See the image up there? I wanted to post a comment on one of your blogs and to prove that I was posting, and not some something spamming something, I would have to enter "gotos", because that is me: All GOTOs).

Well, since I'm not programmed very well, I'm not the most patient person. I’m likely to encounter fatal system errors especially when shopping. I am programmed like this: GOTO the store GOTO the rack of cables GOTO the cash register and GOTO home. Please don't take me into nesting loops of browsing and impulse buying. Not at the Best Buy, anyway. You can easily get trapped into such a nesting loop there: They have all kinds of things at Best Buy. I'm sure Q's job has become much easier in the last 10 years: He just stops in the Best Buy and purchases, say, a Hello Kitty Digital Camera and the vacuum cleaner that NEVER looses suction, outfits it with a GPS thing from Aisle 6 and a few poison darts—voilá!—Q’s got a weaponized jet pack in Her Majesty’s service! Still, me, all I want is a cable. Specifically, a cable with a USB on one end and a nine pin on the other. USB and a nine pin and the wires in between.

Best Buy is a big, giant, loud place, featuring lots of televisions and iPod skins, but few cables. GOTO Best Buy Guy. Make eye contact. I know you are ignoring me, Best Buy Guy. Eye-eye-eeeeeeye: Contact! Gotcha! "Hello. Excuse me, I am looking for a cable with a USB on one end and a nine pin on the other. A nine pin on one end and a USB on the other.” I say this complete with the universal hand signs of a deformed claw hand for the nine pin and the other hand drawing a line in the air to indicate the cable part and ending in a cute pinchy finger smidgeon to indicate the USB. I think I am pretty clear on what I want: Nine pin/USB. Deformed claw hand/pinchy fingers. And then it comes. You know it's going to come (death, taxes, spider veins, in-laws), but still, you hope it won't:

"What are you going to use it for?"

Blogs are a good place for people, such as myself, with extreme esprit de l'escalier. But that wasn't the case this time: This was ripe hanging fruit, right there, right there in front of me. My possible responses were overwhelming. I swear, they seemed to form a fluffy pink cloud of snarky wit right in front of my eyes. I'm trying to gaugue Best Buy Guy to see if he could handle something slightly risqué or maybe macabre or just plain bizarre. Weighing, weighing, calculating ...

Best Buy Guy breaks my concentration with the Multiple Choice Test:

"A PDA? A monitor? A digital camera? A peripheral drive?"

The fluffy pink cloud is dissolving ("I'm going to use it to hang myself, but I’ll only do it if I have a nine pin and a USB cable." ... "Check out double u double u double u nastygirlswithninepinandusbcables, but have a credit card" ... See? The responses are losing quickly on quality …)

All I manage to answer is, "I just would like a cable with a nine pin and a USB."

"A cell phone? MP3 player?" Again with the questions! He will not let up.

"A PDA, right?"

Best Buy Guy seems to be on a real need-to-know basis, so I answer, truthfully, "For an embroidery machine."

"OH." he says, "We don't have anything for embroidery machines."

Now, seriously, Best Buy Guy has never, never, ever, ever, ever had any requests ever for embroidery machine anything. Seriously. He does not even know what an embroidery machine is. He doesn’t know what embroidery is. And I know this. It’s not ignorance: I know nothing about 30 inch spinning wheel covers or the World of Warcraft or why? why? why pants must hang half-way down the butt. Best Buy Guys knows stuff about stuff I don’t. But for exactly that reason, I just asked specifically for the deformed claw/pinchy fingers cable. Nonetheless, Best Buy Guy denies having a cable that could fit an embroidery machine so matter-of-factly, like I was asking if Best Buy sold live penguins.

I look away and ... can it be? Right there at about the level of my waist? In a blister pack (I hate blister packs) ... I think, maybe it is! My personal sit com has been stage set perfectly: It is!

"This is it." I say.

"That's for a PDA."

So, we're both right. "May I please buy this? Please? Can I just please buy this?"

GOTO he-- I mean, GOTO cash register.